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Paul De Lancey’s novels, We’re French and You’re Not and The Fur West, won acclaim from award-winning novelists. He is also the author of hilarious articles and somewhat drier ones in Economics.

The humorist is a direct descendant of the great French Emperor Napoleon. Actually, that explains a lot of things. Paul, known to his friends as Paul, is the proud emcee of the annual Zombie Haiku Day. People still buzz about the time Helsingfør, Denmark hosted the event. Paul also ran for President of the United States on the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Estimates of Bacon & Chocolate's share of the votes range from 3 people to 1.5% of the total electorate.

Mr. De Lancey makes his home, with his wonderful family, in Poway, California. He divides his time between being awake and asleep.

 
Book Signing
Saturday, September 21, 2013
10 am - 1 pm

Paradise Hills Library
5922 Rancho Hills Drive
San Diego, CA 92139

Additional parking will be available at St. Timothy's
(Church on opposite corner
I will be bringing a few samples from my cookbook,
Eat Me, 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World
 

In The  Darwin Murders Literary Event, I am pleased to announce winner number one of two. Please join with me in congratulating Deborah for her submission; A Crushing Weight.

mason

Deborah K. Mason

A Crushing Weight

She was waiting when he finally arrived home, always waiting. A blubbery mass of human flesh. That was how he thought of Maude nowadays. However, tonight there was something different about her. Not that he paid much attention to her lately. Peggy at the local diner he paid plenty of attention to, along with numerous other women. All thin, unlike big Maude. Standing there naked smiling at him.

She wordlessly took his hand leading him to the bedroom they hadn’t shared in years. Her grip on his hand was strong. Her hair hung loose, makeup flawless. In the candle lit bedroom he saw the woman he married. A beautiful shrewd woman, foundation of his real estate empire. A passionate woman, until illness caused her to balloon in size.

They were the most hated couple in Cedar Woods, snapping up property, tossing folks into the streets. Maude was the brains behind their legal and illegal operation. The reason he didn’t divorce her despite his aversion to her weight. Maude captured his attention as she laid him on the bed, music softly playing. She danced as she removed his clothes. A fire started deep in his loins. Maude was a vixen, a Jezebel. Teasing him until he was naked.

Relax.” She whispered. Liquid heat raced through his body. Maude mounted him, her weight bore down until he passed out.

After the funeral Maude kept her appointment for bypass surgery. She returned property to victimized homeowners before beginning a new life. Far from town.

✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍

Deborah K. Mason is an avid reader who enjoys writing short stories and poetry. Writing, researching and reading up on gruesome murders, mysteries, horror. She lives somewhere on Planet Earth with her children, The “Crew.”

In The  Darwin Murders Literary Event, I am pleased to announce winner number two of two. Please join with me in congratulating James for his submission: The Television Licence Inspector.

james

James McShane

The Television Licence Inspector

It was the last time he would ever come to my door, the last time he’d make my life a misery. Don’t get me wrong, he had a job to do, but he didn’t have to make it personal; he didn’t have to push me as far as he did.

I knew he’d be around on Friday. He made it a habit to make sure I was his last call of the week, letting me know he’d be thinking about how much he was going to make the following week a misery for me. I couldn’t take it anymore – something had to give.

So that fateful Friday, after much planning, I admitted to him that yes, I did indeed have a television licence, and would he like to come and see it? He didn’t know what to say, the poor chap, and when I offered him a cup of Earl Grey tea, the bottom nearly fell out of his world. He sat at my table, taking sip after sip of bergamot flavoured tea, while I rooted through my drawer looking for a television licence that didn’t exist.

The poison took full effect within two minutes. I watched the poor bastard struggle to breathe, spluttering tea all over my nice Ikea table. I saw the hopelessness in his eyes as at last he understood why I did what I did. Why pay a television licence when there’s never really anything on to watch? It’s enough to drive a man to murder.

✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍

James McShane is a writer from Dublin, Ireland. Struggling to write and complete his first novel, he spends much of his time on Facebook.

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In the Bump Off Your Enemies Literary Event, I am pleased to announce winner number one of two.

Please join with me in congratulating Avery for her submission; HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

averydebBy: Avery DeBow

The desktop fan ruffled the ribbon. The loops swelled like the waves of a tiny blue ocean. A surprise, indeed. He hadn’t received a present from an employee… Ever. He picked at the wrapping, first tentatively, but with more zeal as the shreds of paper fell away. He lifted off the lid, his mind ticking through ideas of what lay inside, the hope of at last being respected filling his tight little chest. The tissue paper rustled. A creature—might have been a rat before whatever dreaded disease consuming it had ravaged its body and turned it into a pustulous, skeletal horror—leapt from the folds. He shrieked as it came. And again as it latched on.

Rows of eyes studied him through the slats in the blinds, each hungrily fixed on the foul beast injecting demise into his veins. Their work done, his staff drifted away, bled into the shadows they occupied, the shadows cast by his oversized office and always closed door.

He meant to shake off the creature, but that seemed wrong, somehow. After all, they had finally given him a gift, and had even taken the time to staple a birthday hat to its head.
* * * * *
Avery DeBow is the author of the dark fantasy novel, Resonance. Her website is www.averydebow.com.

 

 

In the Bump Off Your Enemies Literary Event,I am pleased to announce winner number two of two.terricoo

Please join with me in congratulating Terri for her submission; IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN

By: Terri Lynn Coop

'It's not easy being green…'

The refrain from the old Muppets tune ran through my head as I stirred the lime jello.
I hate this fucking stuff. Ten years of unholy hell masquerading as holy matrimony. I could stand the arguments. The boredom. The never-ending laundry. However, by far, the worst of it was his insistence on lime jello every Sunday. Said it reminded him of his mother. Never red. Never orange. Once I substituted blue and he sulked for three days. Always green. And always in molds. As if I didn't have enough to do.

Well, tonight I changed up mom's recipe just a bit. In each of those putrid jiggling four-leaf clovers was a little surprise.
I didn't know Visine was deadly until I saw an episode of "America's Most Interesting Poisons." The cable channels are so educational.
Squeeze. Drip. Squeeze. Drip. Squeeze. Drip.

As I got to the last hollow in the mold, a new song appeared in my head.

'I can see clearly now…'
* * * * *
Terri Lynn Coop manages emergencies by day, writes by night, and is an unapologetic geek the rest of the time. She has been known to blog at http://readinrittinrhetoric.blogspot.com/

 
Event

*Bump Off Your Enemies*

March 15

Authors Candace C. Bowen and Paul R. De Lancey invite you to fictionally "Bump Off" your enemies in 200 words or fewer.  The great event takes place on March 15.

Enemies do not have to be specific people. They can be types of people such as telemarketers or people who block aisles in supermarkets.
Two winners will be crowned Kingpin/Queenpin. Winning entries with a short bio of the winners will be posted on Facebook, Paul De Lancey's website (www.pauldelancey.com), and Candace C. Bowen's website (www.knightseries.com). Good Luck!

To get to this event, log on to Facebook and type *Bump Off Your Enemies*